Choosing Children: An Adoption Story

Posts Tagged ‘Attachment Disorder

An open letter from adoptive trauma parents

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As we move into the interview stage of the adoptive process I find myself dedicating some time each day to trying to learn about older child adoption. I find this letter is a bit too heavy-handed in it’s messaging, and Chris found it difficult to watch with the different voices and the shifty camera work. But, I do think it brings out some important points.

Unlike a child that is given up as an infant by a willing mother, chances are any children we are matched with will have a traumatic past where they were not cared for (at best) and were possibly abused – physically, emotionally and / or sexually. Their biological parents and possibly other adults they trusted let them down and abused them, and likely did not give them up willingly. They will have very conflicted feelings about these childhood traumas, they will be dealing with rejection, loss, pain, hurt, anger, etc… etc… The chances of these children being able to trust and love us in any short-term future are very slim. Any trust and love these children develop will be earned, and will be very hard to earn and even harder to retain.

For me this video sends home two messages. First, that I need to constantly be aware that children of trauma will not have had the emotional development of other grade-school children. As I listen to my friends who are now mothers of toddlers talking about their children, biting, hitting, and throwing tantrums as two-year-olds that is where these children will be emotionally at whatever age they come to us. They have been given no other tools to cope socially and emotionally.

The second message is that we will need to find a way to be open about our children’s challenges and trauma’s while at the same time respecting our children’s right to privacy. Other adults: teachers, parents, friends, co-workers are not going to intuitively understand why we have a school-age child that throws tantrums like a two-year-old.