Choosing Children: An Adoption Story

Posts Tagged ‘Ontario

Declined, for now. Crap.

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The preliminary interview could have gone better (understatement). It also could have gone worse.

I’m a “bad news first” type of girl, so venting first, solutions second, positives last. Feel free to skip the sections you don’t want to read

Whining, bitching & complaining:

The adoption worker told us that “as our monthly disposable income is currently presented, we would not be considered for adoption.”

Outch.

There is possibly a glimmer of hope however. After whining, venting, bitching and complaining to several of you (thank you) it was pointed out that I probably didn’t complete the disposable income section properly.

On the monthly expense report there are the following line items:

Mortgage/Rent
Property taxes
House Insurance
Food: home, restaurant
Clothing
Utilities
Transportation
Extra-Curricular
Loan Payments
Other (Specify)

Formula: Total net monthly income less the total of the above expenses = disposable income. 

C. and I do some very detailed monthly tracking of where we spend our money. Two things happened. First, I took the money that we normally set aside for savings, vacations, birthdays, holiday in addition to the money for entertainment and I put that into the “other” expense category.

The second problem was that I used our exact tracking from the six months we were filling out the package which included our vacation to St. John’s, a 3-day spa vacation and our rather extravagant (for us) trip to Mexico. So our vacation “expenses” were rather high during those six months. Plus two moves.

Which left us with about $100/month unaccounted for which I called “disposable income.”

To be fair to myself I did not make the decision to base our financial statements on an unusual set of expenses by myself.  I had called the adoption worker when filling out the finances and asked her if I should fill them out based on a “typical” month, or based on our actual expenses in the past few months. I did specifically tell her that our expenses had been unusual lately because of the reasons mentioned above. She told me that they should be based on the actual. I complied, in part, because I was nervous that if I didn’t go based on the actual they may check our bank records for the period and if they did and I had showed “typical” spending that didn’t match our unusual spending pattern in those months we’d be in trouble.

When we were told we weren’t accepted because of the disposable income I asked if we could re-submit (we can), and if things like savings, vacations etc… can be put into disposable income (they can — so can some other things as some of you pointed out). If we re-do our financials with things like savings, vacations, birthdays, holidays, entertainment as disposable income we have about $1,300/month (bet you didn’t know you’d get this detailed a look at my personal finances, did you? – Frankly I do think people need to talk about money more and make it less taboo).

I did do some quick math while the adoption worker was with us. I was able to tell her that if we pulled out saving, vacations, holidays, birthdays, and some other things I thought we would end up with about $1,000/month in disposable income. That is when she let me know we could re-file the form.

I asked her if it would be enough to put us in the ‘acceptable’ bracket. Her exact words were “it would be a better presentation”. She’s really good at sticking to key messages, because I basically spent the next half hour asking that question any way I could. I learned that we’re allowed to re-file our finances every 6-months, but I have no clue what it takes to be in the “acceptable” range. I have no idea where the “acceptable” range even begins. I recognize that $1,300 is a significant difference from $100, but is it enough?

The monthly disposable income is the only portion of the form they told us specifically we were declined on. And, they are giving us a re-do. However I am still nervous that we may not measure up financially. We make what I think is a middle to lower-middle income ($80,000 approx), but thanks to my student loans and the fact that we do not own property (see paying off student loans) we have a negative net worth. That said we carry no consumer debt which they were pleased with.

I’m calling this fear my “B+ syndrome” fear.

When you are applying for university there are many programs that require a “B+ average” to be accepted into the program. However, if you know that on average 5,000 people apply each year, and only 1,000 people get accepted then chances are you B+ average isn’t going to mean anything if 1,000 of the applicants have A+ averages.

To bring the analogy around to adoption, C. and I are on the younger end of the adoption spectrum. Most people adopting in Ontario, are on average in their 40s. Most of the people I have come in contact with who adopt are 40-year-olds with professional designations and own property.

My thinking is, if a social worker is looking a bunch of prospective families and all other things being equal (older child preference, experience with special needs, stable relationship) I can’t see why they would ever pick the comparatively lower income family.

I know C. and I could wait 5 or 10 years until we are in our 40s. We could pay off a lot of debt in that time, and put ourselves in a much better financial position. The reason I don’t want to do this is that we are capable of having biological children. We WANT to build our family through adoption, but I don’t want it to be adoption or nothing. Which means, I don’t want to wait for the adoption system so long that having biological children becomes difficult or impossible and we have no options.

We are definitely privileged in this way. I do recognize that the vast majority of people come to adoption as a choice because of infertility. For them, there is no other way to build a family. So we’re damned lucky to have a choice at all. I don’t want to minimize anyone’s struggle with infertility. However, given the choice, between children and no children I do want to be able to choose to have children. I hope that isn’t disrespectful.

What really kills me is that I know my brother and I were raised on far less money than C. and I earn (even counting for inflation). My brother and I knew we were poor and didn’t have everything other kids did, but we had a good life, went to university, made good relationships, got jobs, etc… So, I have trouble believing that C. and I are not able to support a child. I’m reasonably sure that if we were planning to have a biological child that most people we know would think it was the right time for us because of age, stable jobs and unremarkable but not terrible finances.

I have a lot of trouble believing that the kids they keep telling us have been waiting years in the system for placement are better off still in the system than considering a family of our modest means.

Solutions:

Yes, I will fill out the revised forms and send them in. I know there is a significant difference between $1,300/month and $100/month.

No, it’s not a straight “decline”. So, yes we’d better try again.

Also a big ‘thank you’ to A. and C2 who are helping us with the financial form this time round. It helps practically and also helps with the confidence levels to re-submit.

Personally, I’d just really REALLY like to know what their “acceptable” range is. If we are in the bottom 10% or even 25% I’d like to know because it will significantly reduce a probability of a match.

There was some good stuff:

This sort of feels like a kick in the nads to me after being told we were declined for financials however, it is “good stuff” that could be “better stuff” if our revised financials are accepted.

They seemed really pleased with every single other aspect of our application. Particularly they were pleased that C. was the person who initiated the decision to adopt. I know that many men in the adoptive world are really not as eager or supportive as their female partners and have a lot of reservations about “raising someone else’s kid”. So that was a huge positive.

The worker seemed absolutely blow away by the knowledge we already had on what special needs involved, treatment programs, theraputic parenting knowledge and that we were “eyes wide open” about the realities of older child adoption.

If we do ever make it past this stage they have set us up for not only Toronto, but Hamilton, Halton and Durham matches.

They were very happy with the openness that we have for risk factors and special needs, especially since we were able to demonstrate knowledge of what special needs involves and some (although limited) experience with special needs kids.

We had almost every item already in place for the home safety checklist, the only items we would need to improve are locking away our liquor.

So – yay! From a social standpoint we are the kind of people they are looking for. Which is why it feels like a kick in the nads that we may not be considered financially eligible.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t be so morose. It’s too dramatic, we have another kick at the can. Bitching and whining in a blog is slightly theraputic. This is a small set back, and a reality check. We are moving forward.

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Written by BeagleSmuggler

August 6, 2011 at 9:00 am

Helping more kids find permanent homes

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On June 1, 2011 the Ontario government announced the Building Families and Supporting Youth to be Successful Act, 2011 which they say will remove barriers for children to be adopted and result in thousands more Ontario children and youth being eligible for adoption and support.

According to the release the key compoents will be to:

  • Reduce the waitlist for adoption homestudies and establish standard timelines.
  • Making it easeir for youth to attend college or university by exempting CAS finanaical support from OSAP applications.
  • Making it easier to find information online about public, private and international adoption.
  • Working with CAS to determine an approach to fiscally-neutral, targeted adoption subsidies.
  • Working with CASs and First Nations so Aboriginal children and youth in care remain connected to their communities and cultural traditions through more frequent use of customary care arrangements.

Not all of these affect our situation in particular, or immediately. I am glad to see that they are exempting CAS support from OSAP, that just makes sense. And, given the baby-scoop of the 1960s I’m also glad to see the emphasis on keeping aboriginal children connected to their communities.

The big ticket items for us are: changes to the court-ordered access restrictions, changes to homestudy, and changes to subsidies.

Currently 75 per cent of the 9,000 kids in care have a court-ordered access agreements. These may be to a biological parent, grandparent, sibiling or other relative who wants to remain in the child’s life but cannot be their primary caregiver or guardian. These court-ordered access agreements had, until now, prevented these children from being available for adoption. These changes will increasingly allow for open adoption, something that had not easily been available in domestic public adoption previously.

The most difficult part of the adoptive process is the waiting. Waiting for information sessions, intake, home studies, and having absolutely no timeline for when thse things may be completed or should be completed. I don’ tknow if these changes will take place fast enough for Chris and I not to go through the tremendous uncertainity in the process that others have dealt with, but I hope that government action on this will mean a smoother more communicative ride for us.

Finally, there have been many stories in the news recently about families that are drowining in debt post-adoption because they have not been able to access the care their children were previously receiving as foster children. The childern’s needs have not gone away because they were adopted but the funding for those needs has. I know this is a challenge Chris and I face. We are open to adopting older siblings because we know that is where the need for adoptive parents is, however, we also know that we cannot afford private schooling, residential care, full time in-home supervision, or extensive priavate therapy. Most of the studies show that if the government extends the subsidies for care into the adoptive process then more children will be adopted, which will reduce the costs on the system of caring for these children, but will continue to support the children with the care they need.

Another news story on the need for post-18 supports and finanaical supports for adoptive parents of special needs kids:

Outlook is bleak for foster kids “aging out” of system.